Before I get into feelings and whatnot, I have some big news: I recently bought a plane ticket to London and will be returning to my beloved overseas home during Thanksgiving break. I've alerted my friends from Middlesex as well as my second-cousin Kerry, who will be in the midst of one year of graduate school at Nottingham University.
This trip is serendipitous for so many reasons, namely that the plane tickets weren't too expensive, that I get to visit Kerry at the school we first toured together nearly a year ago, and that I will be back home in time for Thanksgiving dinner with the family. I am absolutely thrilled about the prospect of returning to England. I miss being there so much.
One thing I hope the trip will remind me of is the overwhelming lack of stress that I enjoyed. Since high school, once I gave up being flirty and ditzy with the boys, I have been an extremely motivated person. That motivation has led to many wonderful opportunities -- four summers at The Carter Center, an all-expense-paid trip to Palestine, and solo backpacking across France and Europe, for example -- but it has also left me stressed out, alienated from my peers, and feeling far too old for my age. It's time I found a happy balance.
And thus I've set a goal for myself: To stop worrying about the future and enjoy the present. I spent five months unemployed in London, and don't feel like I wasted a bit of time. I was happy, relaxed, confident, and completely at peace with myself. If anything, the experience prepared me more for the future than any of the classes I've taken or jobs I've stressed over. Money may still worry me, only because I constantly want to travel somewhere new.
I'm back. Ready to embrace the world once again.
21 July 2006
01 July 2006
Lost
It occured to me today that I've been in Atlanta now for a longer period of time than I was overseas. While there have been things to celebrate and be happy about, being back home has been largely lackluster and, if I may be a bit melodramatic, somewhat depressing.
Things have been especially tough lately. My grandfather from Texas passed away rather suddenly last month and I returned home only to be greeted by the news that my dear grandmother in Atlanta was dying of cancer. She died last week, and coming to terms with the loss is still difficult. Within just one month, I lost my two remaining biological grandparents. Although they were both old and not in the best of health, their deaths seemed to come so fast, so unexpectedly. When I stop and think about the fact that they are actually gone and that family summer vacations will never be the same, my mind starts to spin. I feel like I had so much left to learn from them and so much gratitude left to give. I can only hope that they knew how much I loved them.
I guess the toughest part about dealing with both losses is that there are now two less people alive that truly care about me. It's a selfish thought I guess, but it's nice to know that you're extremely special to someone. I was that special someone to both of my grandparents. Now that they're gone, I'm faced with the reality that I'm just not that special to many people.
I've been feeling extremely alone lately. Due to some events beyond my control when I was in London, I have lost touch with some very close friends of mine and, by default, with friends I knew through them. Fortunately, I moved into a new house with wonderful roommates, but, sadly, because I tend to push people away in times of sadness and engulf myself in work, it's the sad truth that they are some of my only friends. I am certainly thankful to have Jamie; without him, I'm not sure how I could have managed the grief of this summer so far.
Anyway, this post isn't really travel-related, it's just something I needed to write. I guess, in a way, it's also a pitiful cry for help since I'm feeling quite lost and alone right now. Unfortunately, no one really reads this blog any more. This may be a blessing in disguise, as I need to stop looking to others for answers. I know that, in terms of self-esteem and personal happiness, only I can fix my own problems.
I guess there is a travel tie-in: I can't stop thinking about London. I have fond memories of how carefree I was, how I made friends so effortlessly and was a fun person to hang out with. For once in my life, I actually enjoyed being single, and I cherished every moment of freedom and independence. I wish I could find that Katie again. I really enjoyed life when she was around.
Things have been especially tough lately. My grandfather from Texas passed away rather suddenly last month and I returned home only to be greeted by the news that my dear grandmother in Atlanta was dying of cancer. She died last week, and coming to terms with the loss is still difficult. Within just one month, I lost my two remaining biological grandparents. Although they were both old and not in the best of health, their deaths seemed to come so fast, so unexpectedly. When I stop and think about the fact that they are actually gone and that family summer vacations will never be the same, my mind starts to spin. I feel like I had so much left to learn from them and so much gratitude left to give. I can only hope that they knew how much I loved them.
I guess the toughest part about dealing with both losses is that there are now two less people alive that truly care about me. It's a selfish thought I guess, but it's nice to know that you're extremely special to someone. I was that special someone to both of my grandparents. Now that they're gone, I'm faced with the reality that I'm just not that special to many people.
I've been feeling extremely alone lately. Due to some events beyond my control when I was in London, I have lost touch with some very close friends of mine and, by default, with friends I knew through them. Fortunately, I moved into a new house with wonderful roommates, but, sadly, because I tend to push people away in times of sadness and engulf myself in work, it's the sad truth that they are some of my only friends. I am certainly thankful to have Jamie; without him, I'm not sure how I could have managed the grief of this summer so far.
Anyway, this post isn't really travel-related, it's just something I needed to write. I guess, in a way, it's also a pitiful cry for help since I'm feeling quite lost and alone right now. Unfortunately, no one really reads this blog any more. This may be a blessing in disguise, as I need to stop looking to others for answers. I know that, in terms of self-esteem and personal happiness, only I can fix my own problems.
I guess there is a travel tie-in: I can't stop thinking about London. I have fond memories of how carefree I was, how I made friends so effortlessly and was a fun person to hang out with. For once in my life, I actually enjoyed being single, and I cherished every moment of freedom and independence. I wish I could find that Katie again. I really enjoyed life when she was around.
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