Cheer up, honey I know you can

I haven't written in a few days. That's not to say I haven't had a lot on my mind or haven't been inspired to write. Actually, my mind has been swimming with thoughts, and yesterday I retreated to a quiet coffee shop and poured out my feelings onto paper in a letter that I know I'll never deliver.

The reason I haven't updated is because I've posted somewhat basic updates thus far (This is what I did, this is what I plan to do, life is good) and have largely refrained from personal details or stark emotions, specifically negative ones.

I needed to update, however, and ultimately decided to share what's going on in my head.

I've been living a dream life lately, traveling to foreign countries, seeing amazing sights, meeting exciting people, being free of major responsibilities or worries. So it was weird when, for lack of a better term, real life hit me. Now that the adrenalin of traveling and meeting new people and starting classes has worn off, reality has begun to creep in. There aren't major things going on -- in fact, they're all relatively normal and mundane "problems" -- but, for the first time since leaving the States, I am faced with real-life problems.

I've been trying to figure out what's going on in my head, and I'm pretty sure it's a culmination of many emotions and thoughts and feelings, having been suppressed, coming out all at once. The thing about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like studying abroad is that it's an absolutely amazing experience that one is expected to be nothing less than utterly grateful for. Therefore, feelings such as sadness -- or any negative feeling, for that matter -- seem extremely inappropriate and out of place. In addition, I normally don't like to burden others with my troubles, so I'm definitely not going to express such feelings to people I've only known for a matter of weeks.

I guess it was a given that, sooner or later, the weight of everything would become too great and I'd need an emotional release. I'll spare the details, for your benefit, and for my privacy. Basically, I feel confused and conflicted. I miss home, but I'm dreading the day I leave London. I don't have any idea of what would make me the happiest -- in terms of living, working and studying -- when I return. Right now, I don't feel like there's a particular place where I belong.

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel scared and unsure about my future.

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P.S. Things aren't bad here -- I'm still having an amazing time and doing a lot. I saw a Jaws/Ghostbusters double feature in London, went out dancing with friends last night, arranged a meeting with a local volunteer agency, have gotten to know some British students much better, and am spending the weekend in York.