Losing Steam

I leave for Sevilla in about three hours, and I'm exhausted. I took the metro out to Montjuïc today, and trekked all the way to the castle at the top of the hill. The cable cars were out of service, so I walked. And, while 700 feet doesn't seem like that far (it's just over one-tenth of a mile), it's quite a climb in Spain's overbearing heat.

Anyway, it was worth it. The view was gorgeous and gave me some idea of how huge Barcelona really is. I've learned recently how my idea of populations and distances are so skewed. Even while reading about New Orleans -- a city I'm very familiar with -- I'm surprised at the numbers of people that live there.

After spending some time at the castle, I began the long walk down. I stopped in some of the beautiful gardens and parks, but couldn't fully enjoy them because of the sweltering heat. I got lost on my way back but, as usual, kept walking towards busier parts of town and eventually found a metro station.

The rest of the day was spent wandering aimlessly. I didn't have enough time or energy to go somewhere in specific, but I had too much time to just do nothing. I wound up window-shopping for most of the day, then spent the afternoon reading a newspaper in the park. I feel like I didn't do Barcelona justice -- after losing an entire day, I really didn't pack enough into the remaining ones. It's a beautiful city, and a very unique and intriguing one. I'd like to spend some time getting to know it better.

In addition to exhaustion, loneliness has hit me too. I'm desperate for communication; I want to have a conversation in English with someone, anyone. I talk to my parents each day, but it's for no more than ten minutes, at nearly a dollar per minute. Most of all, I don't want my feelings of loneliness to get in the way of my enjoyment. I realize how fortunate I am just to be here -- with or without anyone else -- and I need to appreciate the experience for that fact alone.

I guess part of my frustration is that I'm witnessing so many amazing things and feeling so many emotions at once. I have no release, no one to talk to. Sure, I post on here and I write in my journal, but after a certain point, that can't replace human contact.

I didn't feel this way in France. It may be because my trip had just begun, but I was at least able to communicate some. I'm so embarrassed and frustrated with my lack of Spanish comprehension. I don't like going to restaurants, I'm reluctant to go into stores, and I even hate saying "no hablo español." In France, I doled out "je ne parle pas français" every time I turned around.

I'm not complaining -- just expressing how I'm feeling. For a moment, I considered bypassing Madrid and heading to another city in France instead. However, I'm not going to because a) there are no direct train routes and thus I would wind up wasting precious time and money, b) hotel and hostel vacancies are hard to find, and c) I need to stick with it. If there's one thing that world travel has taught me, it's that you don't give up. If I had succumbed to my fears and nervousness before getting on a plane to see Alex in London, or if I gave into my anger and feelings of helplessness and returned home from the Middle East, or if I listened to my nagging worries and never went on this trip in the first place, I would have missed out on a great deal. My life would be very different, a lot less fulfilling, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. The more you push yourself, the more you can accomplish. And the more you accomplish, the more fulfilling life gets.

I think that advice was meant for myself. I need a little encouragement, someone telling me that everything is going to be okay. (Wow, this is becoming a bit therapeutic.) I need to remember that, despite how tough times may get, when this is all over, I'll look back on in favorably and grateful that I stayed the course.

Oh, and, I guess since this entry was about loneliness, this won't be that shameless: I´d honestly love any emails or comments or whatever. If you read this, and feel so inclined, just send me a short hello and let me know how you are. Trust me, I'll be happy to hear from you -- haha, it's not like I'm talking to anyone better.